Edna

I’m not sure what’s going on anymore. My duties as a wife and a woman are becoming overwhelming. I love my children but I’m not the type to show it. At times I just want to be with them and show them all my love. Then again other times I forget that they exist and I’m to look after them. My mother died and the female I was to look up to was my sister, Margaret who was never very affectionate. It wasn’t her Job to be, I don’t blame her she did what was asked of her at such a young age.

Her and my father were opposed to me marrying a catholic which only led me to accept. Every day I doubt our relationship even more. The other night when Léonce told me to take care of our son it was just too much. Him telling me that I’m not a good mother hurt. I do my best, I really do. I stay and take care of my children all day and every day. I wish he would see that  I make sure they are clad and not in harm’s way.I don’t know what’s to expect in a relationship like ours.  He is far by older than me and is gone taking care of business. There’s close to no love between us or attraction anymore. He has given me all which leaves for me to not desire anything.I thought there was sympathy and though between us but I was mistaken.

He gives me gifts, everyone sees those bonbons he sends, and all the other women want. He is seen as such a perfect and wonderful husband as well as a father. He provides there is no doubt in that. He is a great man the best and most wonderful of all, everyone sees this in him. I’m forced to admit this and I feel horrible because it doesn’t fully come from my heart. The things I say are to please others, it’s expected of me to do so. Yet I’m here with needs and desires that aren’t pleased and what I want doesn’t matter or count.

When I’m with Robert it’s different and so relaxing. He plays with my kids who are very fond of him. When we go to the beach it’s always wonderful. I’m afraid that what I think is wrong but I can’t help it “the voice of the sea speaks to the soul.”(Chopin, pg.25)

 

 

Entry #2

     I’m back in the city and it’s not the same at all. My marriage is not what I want anymore. I have been “very foolish and childish I have stamped upon my wedding ring and smashed the crystal vase upon the tiles”(Chopin, pg. 95). Leonce is commenting about my attitude and how I need to change it. To take care of the children but I can’t, nor do I feel like it. The quadroon takes care of them they are perfectly fine without me. I don’t need to be there supervising them. I’m not at all like the other mothers who would die if she doesn’t see them. I am better not taking care of them 24/7.

          Dinner was horrible the other night, I certainly don’t understand leonce anymore. He was the one who adored the cook and wanted her. Now he is upset because she doesn’t do her job right. I strongly differ from that thought. I would normally go and “administer a tardy rebuke to the cook..and study the cookbook…finally writing out a menu for the week” (Chopin, pg. 87). He also had a fuss over me going out and not leaving a justification on Tuesday when I had visitors. I don’t want to hold up this facade anymore. I want to do as I please and paint. Mdm. Ratignolle has given me that last bit of confidence I needed to keep painting.

            The other day when I went to visit them and it made me become “depressed rather than soothed after leaving them “(Chopin, pg. 93). They have such a wonderful home and they understand each other so well, unlike Leonce and I. I keep thinking of Robert, oh how I miss him every day. His departure left me very upset, he hasn’t written to me at all. When I went to his mother’s home the other day looking for Mademoiselle Reisz’s address and all the news I received was that he is exploring Mexico. “I felt that if there had been a message for me, I would have received it.”(Chopin, pg. 102). I left soon after knowing about Robert it was all too much for me.